FatPhil plays Peldikmon Go

Introduction

There's way more to beer culture than modern fancy-pants hipster nonsense. Sometimes you just need something with no pretensions, something that's fit for its purpose, and its purpose is being part of a fun night out with friends. And you can't properly judge something until you've tried it. All of that applies not just to beers but also to bars.

So here are a few of the hidden, and not so hidden, places where beery relief can be found in Tallinn (and occasionally elsewhere). Estonian speakers are directed primarily to Marduk's amazing reviews, and non-estonian speakers should boggle at the output of google translate, and wonder if Marduk really wrote what you're reading. My additions are minimal.

Reviews

Tallinn

Tallinn is where I'm based, for better or for worse. A small town, almost every time I go out I can guarantee meeting someone I've previously said something stupid to!

Majaka 54

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: 9/7

Personal notes: Loved the mobile phones on the wall, the cheap vodka prices, the quiet locals and their drink choices, the free half-beer for Anna, and the non-judgemental staff when we waltzed in sober speaking a foreign language.

Rating: Worth falling down the steps and through the door. Score: 4½ beermats.

Webbing: OSM

Baar 36

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: 1 full maß

Personal notes: Loved the barman's chattiness, the prices, the vodka-only fridge, the fish no larger than a grain of sand, and the look on Marduk's face when he returned from you-know-where.

Rating: If you can keep it one-way, it's a cheap ride. Score: 3 squirts of air freshener

Webbing: OSM

KišMišš

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Knockout in the 1st round

Personal nots: don't drink beer here, don't expect good service here, basically, don't come here.

Rating: There's a thick layer of make-up on this one, and its scary underneath. Score: A void

Webbing: OSM

Sassi Baar

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Straight in the pocket

Personal notes: the idea of taking pool to a whole new dimension is a little warped, but you can never have too much stretched out beaver in such an establishment, in particular when you're playing with your stick. Did anyone mention they have a sauna for rent?

Rating: Nice wooden interior, humming with the smell of sweet sweet victory. Score: 2 more pints and a packet of crisps please.

Webbing: home page OSM

Peekri Baar

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: 3's company, 4's a crowd

Personal notes: Loved the comfy coziness, and the selection played from the jukebox. However, given the choice, I'm more likely to find myself 50m closer to the old town. I should check to see if they still have a sauna for rent - that's always a plus!

Rating: Proper boozer, with patrons who are presumably all proper boozers. Score: 45 RPM

Webbing: OSM

Trattoria Massimo

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: too much talk of cougars

Personal notes: Loved the fact that it sold beer, the whole maakri area was a desert, all the old bars had turned into beauty salons. Trust me, ladies, beer works just as well for such ends, that's the beauty of a saloon. I treated myself to a beer I'd not seen for a while, but the selection wasn't impressive.

Rating: Pricey - town centre/restaurant levels - but it is a town-centre restaurant. Score: Neither of us

Webbing: home page OSM

ShamRock

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Plastic Paddrunk

Personal notes: Marduk went without us, so we went without him. The karaoke was extremely high quality, I'm 100% sure they were Estonians, not Finns, if you'll permit me a little neighbourly racirivalry. The bottles in the fridge were pricier than the taps, but I had a belly-full of some pretty tasty brews whilst watching the athletics on the telly - didn't want to bolt at the end of the, or should I say "my", evening.

Rating: Nice vibe, definitely worth remembering. Score: 2 thumbs up, but ready to be pushed into ears

Webbing: OSM

Peemot

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: 364

Personal notes: Nice-but-boring - the kind of place you'd go with your nice-but-boring colleagues after a nice-but-boring day of work at your nice-but-boring company, and where you'd talk about nice-but-boring things.

Rating: Wearing a shirt and tie - this is the place for you. Score: Index-linked

Webbing: home page OSM

Update: closed on or before 2018/05/01 - probably to be replaced by a beauty salon

St. Patrick's (Foorum)

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: 3 for the price of 2

Personal notes: Huge place, packed with yoofs, not exactly inviting or welcoming. The best part of being in this place is looking out at other places.

Rating: Yoofs - knock yourself out. No, really, slip in the toilet floor, and knock yourself out. Score: 2 for the price of 3

Webbing: home page OSM

Baieri Kelder

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Full measure, and a fluffy head

Personal notes: Loved the projector clock, and the environment generally, beer was fresh and delicious, could sip that all night long.

Rating: Food and beer, beer and food, sorted. Score: Double-decker burger

Webbing: home page OSM

F.U.B.A.R.

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Freshly stewed and piping hot

Personal notes: Live music is the best music, and metal is the best music, so live metal is the best best music - and therefore I like this place and really should come here more often. Must remember my shades for loo trips though.

Rating: Drink czech beer during the sound check, and rock when they begin to rock. Score: up to 11

Webbing: OSM

Lost Home

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Bullseye

Personal notes: The "walls" that were spraypainted gold were in fact cavity-wall insulation foam, and looked desperately trashy.

Rating: Lost home? More like lost plot. Score: Bounced out repeatedly

Webbing: OSM

Hr. Mauruse Pubi

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Snakes and roundabouts

Personal notes: Loved the coziness, the vibe and generally friendly feel. Nice bottled beer list too, and a decent looking pub-food menu too. Great pub. I think Marduk deliberately prolonged the game.

Rating: A hidden gem, not so hidden as it was quite popular. Score: Roll again, as many times as you want.

Webbing: home page OSM

Karu Baar

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Spangly!

Personal notes: Love the interior, very characterful, if a little heavy on the olde-worlde kitsch. Service was friendly, though Estonian Estonians might find themselves in a minority here.

Rating: For somewhere so central, pleasantly divey. Score: Bearable

Webbing: OSM

Muusika Baar Saun Kohvik

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Gilt

Personal notes: I like the fact that it's open late, but not 10m from my front door. Music played here is pretty decent, I can see why this is a popular biker bar. The decorations are that kind of fancy that only people with no idea of fancy think is fancy. Seems aimed squarely at adventurous Finns who are prepared to go all of 50m from Hotel Viru to drink, and pay back-home prices for kossu or salmari.

Rating: Fewer scantily-clad females than the other places on the parade Score: Gilty

Webbing: home page OSM

Rävala Citypub

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Brilliant

Personal notes: We spent more time standing looking at the cabinets of glasses than sitting at the table - great fun to brewery- and country-spot. Odd diner-feel isn't a problem, and having an unexpected choice of beers adds to why I like this place.

Rating: Different from your typical bar - recommended. Score: Showing its klaas

Webbing: home page OSM

DM Baar

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: He thought "DM" stood for "Death Metal"

Personal notes: I like early Depeche Mode, so of course I like this place. In particular the quirky medieval cellar maze layout - I still don't know where the peldik is and I've been here several times. Best of all - I know I can always get a bottle of good dark beer here - Saku Tume or Porter.

Rating: Obviously themed, stay away if you're too soft to handle synth pop. Score: Just can't get enough

Webbing: home page OSM

Leila Baar

Firstly, Marduk's review. Review rating: Skewered it

Personal notes: Little to add apart from the fact that we have had the food here, and you can get a pretty decent shashlik or other caucasian cuisine. Wooden interior's great. I do like the bottle-cap door stop too.

Rating: Old-school kinda place, has a "local" feel, it a little stand-offish.. Score: Checkmate

Webbing: home page OSM

Kopli

Strangely, Marduk's not been here.

Personal notes: Ok, more of a restaurant than a bar, but has a prominant beer fridge and taps on the bar, even if none were working, so it's close enough. Food quality is good, but the prices aren't cheap. Used to be Kama House. Friendly service is very welcoming.

Rating: Hard to chance across, but worth the trip. Score: Tapped out

Webbing: home page OSM

Lulu Baar

Strangely, or not so strangely, Marduk's not been here.

Personal notes: It's a nice enough bar, and the staff were super friendly, but the whole place exuded sleaze. I'm pretty sure more than just drinks were available here.

Rating: Town centre location explains, but doesn't excuse this. Score: Wear protection

Webbing: home page OSM

Levist Väljas

Marduk's not reviewed this yet.

Personal notes: Musty, even fusty, but full of character and full of characters. Does have more cellphone coverage than the name implies, but put it away for once.

Rating: Extremely authentic cellar bar. Score: Forgotten, repeatedly

Webbing: OSM

Beer House

Strangely, Marduk hasn't reviewed this yet.

Personal notes: Used to be considered expensive, but other places have joined this level, so this doesn't stck out any more. Very skillfully crafted lagers, just a shame she never does any specials. Staff a bit slow.

Rating: Classis bierhalle, even has the ooompah bands occasionally. Score: 7 small ones

Webbing: home page OSM

Koht

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Some of the best staff in any bar in town, and the beer selection is peerless. Opening hours not conducive for sobriety.

Rating: Go home, Phil, you don't live here. Score: Lost count.

Webbing: home page OSM

Kelm

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Most absurd sofa positioning ever. Seen some great live music here.

Rating: Happening place. Score: Up to 11

Webbing: home page OSM

Corner Pub, Hotel Viru

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Beware drunk Finns spilling drinks and breaking glasses, otherwise a perfectly serviceable pub, a few secluded tables provide some privacy. Õllenaut Mr. Brown on tap was much appreciated - we went back for more and didn't want to leave. Does have tellies showing a range of wrong sports.

Rating: If you never leave the hotel, this is the most civilised option. Score: One full fridge

Webbing: home page OSM

Lobby Bar, Viru Hotel

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Much more limited beed selection than Corner Pub. Staff don't know how to pour beers.

Rating: Lobby bar does what it says on the tin, which is very little. Score: Yeasty bottom with 50% probability

Webbing: home page OSM

Valuutabaar, Hotel Viru

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Helsinki Metro orange, predictably terrible singing from drunk Finns, surprisingly bad singing from Estonians too. I did like the telephones.

Rating: Karaoke bar, does what it says on the tin, which is terrible. Score: Norvege, nil points

Webbing: home page OSM

Amarillo Bar, Viru Hotel

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: I don't want overflowing bins to be visible, thank you. Irish coffee was bollocks.

Rating: Texmex restaurant bar, does what it says on the tin. Score: scoreboard is broken, it's nbot showing anything

Webbing: home page OSM

Radisson Hotel Lobby Bar

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Fancy environment, very open and comfy, interior decoration not skimped. Whisky list better than beer list.

Rating: Does the business for those travelling for business. Score: Out of my reach.

Webbing: home page OSM

Sveta Baar

Strangely, Marduk's not rated this.

Personal notes: Strange clothes shop dive bar combo, with pervasive boomy "music". Looks like the kind of place that should be charging 2e for a beer, but actually charges 5e. Oh, and the ugly jacket was 150e too. Bloody hipsters, ruining Sodasopa. Never seems to be closed.

Rating: Boom and bust. Score: If you have to ask, ...

Webbing: home page OSM

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Tartu

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Parnu

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Narva

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